Sermon

APA/API Month of Celebrations - Sharing of Stories:
Resurrecting Love Through Authenticity

May 4, 2003

By Bounlahong Phomsopha

Good morning, beloved community. I am truly humbled by the invitation to share personal reflections of my life and how it has brought me to your blessed, loving, caring, and beautiful presence.

The first reading today came from a set of miniature books of poems and prayers for 1-3 year old toddlers. My spouse and I purchased the set of “My First Prayers” early in our union to share with the child that we hope will one day bless our life. We don’t know when that day will be, but when the day comes we want our child to know that the Lord made him or her exactly the way he or she is.

Much like many of our stories I never truly understood love early in my life. Was I given love? Absolutely. Looking back, I know that I was given as much love as any child could get. Before arriving in America my family and I had to reside in a refugee camp because of how we were positioned during the aftermath of the Vietnam War. Back then we were very poor, but I did not know poverty. We lived in a one-room hut, but so did everybody else. However, not every child in that camp was able to be well fed. I was truly blessed because my father knew how to hunt lizards, frogs, and snakes so that I would be provided with protein in my meals. I never went hungry. That was a true gift.

After arriving in America and eventually making a home in California’s central valley my parents settled into employment as migrant farm workers. They worked from sun up to sun down on many different farms through out the year. They made just enough money for a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food to be put on our table. Still I did not know poverty. I did not know poverty because my parents loved me so much that I never went without. Not that they did not go without. I had new school clothes, lunch for school, and everything that a child needed to become a success in the future. My parents, well, they didn’t; often wearing the same article of clothing year after year, rationing out food per the different meals for themselves, and at times eating my leftovers. I took all these gifts gladly but never fully appreciating the energy, the sweat, and love that brought it to me.

When people think about the experience of the Southeast Asian Refugee, they think about the tribulations and the struggle to survive. Humbly, that story more truly belongs to my parent and how they initiated a journey to give me the best education, the best life, and to one day be a doctor. Absolutely the love was there in my life. But I can neither truly receive nor give it until I was in my mid-twenties. When I became authentic to myself, true love was resurrected in my life.

I can point to three dichotomies in my life. The first was being Asian and trying to be everything that was American. The second was being Gay and desperately attempting to disguise myself as straight. Finally, growing up with Buddhist parents but was socially and spiritually adopted by Christian friends. As a result of not being able to accept these multiple facets in my life and feeling that I had to deny one in order to accept the other I was being untrue to myself.

There were no Asian role models in my life. Not on television, not in the magazine, and not in my hometown of Newman, California. Where, huh? Exactly. Instead, I grew up wanting to be John Schneider from the Dukes of Hazard or Rick Schroeder from Silverspoon, or even Newman’s local football, basketball, and baseball All-American Jaime Machado. I convinced myself that I was ugly. My hair was the wrong color, my eyes were too slanted, my nose was too flat, my skin was not light enough, and so forth.

Also, what kind of gay role models did any of us have fifteen, twenty or more years ago? None. My answer was to turn to sports, date girls, and join a fraternity because the more things I did with my straight friends and the more I emulated them I would no longer be a perverted and sinful monster.

As for being a Buddhist; this was toughest of all. I was going to heaven because I was a Christian, but my parents were going to have to go to hell because their peace and spirituality did not involve accepting that Jesus died on the cross for their sin? This was very hard to accept and I had to enlist the help of church witnesses and missionaries to make regular home visit to convert them. However, because of my parents solemness and radiant energy they welcomed my guest of different faith into their home with open arms. They graciously listened to the message that was shared with them, but faithfully held steadfast to their belief.

They knew. They knew that the Almighty love Buddhist and Christians all the same. My mother tried to tell me that the Lord comes to all people. The Lord gets the message to people in the language and tradition of that particular culture to teach love, peace, unity, acceptance, and celebration. At that time, like most teenager, I tried to tell her she was wrong and that she needed to convert. My mother would just smile and say to me that I will know many more truths in time. I didn’t know it then, but I was born to a very wise woman. Knowledge and Love are powerful things. It was when I left for college that I had the opportunity to examine the incongruence in my life. For the first time I was in contact with self-assured Asian peers. I learned about the contributions of Asians in America and the rest of the world. I met smart, artistic, and athletic Asians in college. Fortunately, this was also around the time when Matt Fong was running for Governor and Margaret Cho had her own television show. At least it was a start.

Today some gay men and women have stepped up to become role models but we still need many more; for ourselves and especially for the gay youth in our community. Early in my life, the religion I was taught said that homosexuality was wrong. Feeling with all ounce of my existence that this thought was incorrect I went on a spiritual pilgrimage. In order to make sense of religion versus gay ideologies I attended services of varying faiths, spending 3 months here and 6 months there. The best message I can obtain out in the Stockton and Modesto area to validate my existence as a gay man was, “God does not hate homosexuals, just the homosexual acts that they commit”.

After a few years of let downs and countless episodes of late night crying because of self-hatred, I finally received the answer to all my prayers. It wasn’t the first time that I had broken down and really prayed, but God in his/her omnipotent wisdom chose that moment to provide me with a revelation. Just as a point of reference, I am now just a couple of months from college graduation. There weren’t any immediate catastrophic phenomenon leading me to this moment of epiphany. God had already provided me with many lessons in a journey that started on the other side of the world. The Lord meant for me to have all my experiences to make sense and be able to put into perspective the answers that I was to be enlightened with. It was after that prayer that I realized that I needed to truly know the Almighty. That is to have a personal relationship with the divine. I needed to open myself to unconditional love and to stop fighting and resisting in an effort to put worldly thoughts and wants before the peace, contentment, and benevolence that are in the arms of the Almighty. I had always thought that I should be told who God in His/Her many name was and someone else needed to tell me what was right or wrong. It finally dawned on me that God can and has always spoken to me directly. Brothers and Sisters, I tell you these things humbly and with the utmost humility; and like the prayers, in the book of poems I will later share with my children, God let me know that She made me too. Me, exactly the way I am, in all my dimensions and with all my idiosyncrasies. She made me gay. She made me Asian. I was given to Laotian Buddhist parents so that “I” would learn that She is not just one faith.

I know the Lord will provide me with more lessons and I also know that they will be copasetic experiences. I have come to know that through authentically accepting who I am I have resurrected love in my life and have strengthened every relationship with everyone I have known and will come to know. I can now genuinely give, receive, and appreciate my many blessings; from my 2 cats, Sissi and La La; my dog, Baby; the home that protects me from the elements; the food that is now plentiful; my wonderful parents; my loving spouse; and the list goes on.

Thank you for letting me share with you my story. If you have any doubts about the love of the Almighty, I hope that I have at least planted a seed of reassurance of how the Lord will resurrect love in your life, as well.